Just One

Within the past week I have read two “articles” I found heartwarming, interesting, and more than a little comforting (look here and here). They describe my experience the past 6.5 months. Before I go on I have to say that I love motherhood. It has taught me about real love, helped me gain patience with myself and others, and strengthened my testimony of prayer on a daily basis, but with all that, I have to admit that I have found these past few months the most challenging of my 25 (and 2/3’s) years. I know I have posted about my transition from the working and academic world to motherhood more than once in recent months, and the topic is probably boring all 2 of my readers, but lets revisit.

Before Michael was born I wondered what I would do all day with “just one baby”, I thought there would be hours and hours to fill, and in some ways there are but in some ways there aren’t. I thought I would have things under control, because let’s face, I love to be in control (funny I hate manual transmission cars). I thought one child would be a breeze, after all you see families with 5 or more kids and the moms seem well rested, beautiful, and in control of their lives. I will admit that one is more challenging that I anticipated. I am not whining, just admitting that some days it is tougher than I thought it would be. I think “just one” has been tough because everything is new. Before Michael I hadn’t dealt with a sick baby, teething, sleep training, explosive poop etc. There are things that people tell you watch out for, but that can’t prepare you take it on yourself. In some ways I think that being the mother of “just one” is like a bad movie where every day is the first day at a new school. No matter how many times you get through that first day, you can’t seem to get out of the loop (think Groundhog Day but with poop). Every day is new, every day is an adjustment, and every day you are trying to find you place, your niche, and your routine. Some days things just click- Michael takes two naps, I get ready, we get things done, and bedtime is a breeze. Some days are not like that, some days I am ready for bedtime to be 5:30 instead of 7.

Someone told me that being the mother of one gives you more time to worry and fret- I don’t know how life would be with 4 but let’s say, I was so worried that Michael wouldn’t learn to roll over that I lost sleep- something that I might not be so worried about with his siblings. Being the mother of “just one” also gives plenty of time for self evaluation and dare I say self criticism. It gives me plenty of time to wonder if I let him spend too much time in the bouncer, if I didn’t read enough books (or forgot to read to him entirely), it gives me time to worry if I spent enough one on one time cuddling the poor guy, playing with him, and attending to his needs. It makes me wonder if I should have spent more time helping him roll over rather than making dinner, vacuuming, talking on the phone or any number of other activities where I wasn’t giving him 100% attention. With more than one, 100% attention all the time wouldn’t be realistic and I hope will be less of a worry.

As I have muddled my way through these past 6 months I have to think that the next one will be easier in some ways (and no the next one is not on the way). I will know to expect to be tired, I will be used to the endless diapers, and I will know when a cold is just a cold. I will also know about the good things- babies that laugh and smile, happy babies in the tub, and the smiley baby after his nap. So until that time we will continue to cross our fingers and hope he turns out ok, and I will come to accept that being the mother of “just one” is much harder than I thought it would be.