Lots of Thoughts on Breastfeeding

As Michael as grown I have tried to chronicle some of our experiences. Sure there are lots of things I have missed, but I figure in a few years it will be fun to look back and see how far we have come. As a new mom (and someone that is passionate about public health) I feel it is only fair to talk about breastfeeding… again. As I mentioned before, I planned to breastfeed. Yes it “weirded” me out a bit, but since it was the best option I was going to get over that and get comfortable with it (wouldn’t that be great if I applied that same principle to making friends, drinking milk, and even going running… yeah no). The reasons it seemed strange to me aren’t entirely clear, I am sure that some of it had to do with my own experience and personality (I like to wear three shirts), and yeah there is probably something to the media’s portrayal of women that affected it, but I think the heart of the matter was that I had never done it and was a little unsure both how it would work and if it would work. And then there was the part about moms who love their babies would never give them formula and let the baby breastfeed until they are ready to wean… the not so subtle implication that by not being excited about the prospect of breastfeeding, or having an end date in mind somehow made it so I loved my son less than the mom breastfeeding her preschooler- so we started out with that guilt. Despite these ridiculous mental roadblocks I was determined that Mikey and I would try it, and if he needed more food than I could provide or if for some reason there was an issue that we would keep an open mind about formula.

We got off to a good start, while I was nervous and unsure of what to do, he wasn’t. He understood how to eat… maybe not how to signal he wanted to eat (at first), but while I was nervous, shaky, and unsure, I did know how to watch the clock, look for the initial signs of hunger, and present him with the option when the need arose- between the two of us we could figure this eating thing out. Then we had our first issue… the pediatrician who recommended formula. This was awful, remember that pre breastfeeding guilt I mentioned… you know guilt that you cant feed your baby (enough), discouragement that starving women in developing nations can do it but you a well nourished woman are a failure… yeah that reared its’ ugly head, but we got through it. This is where the pump came in, I know there are women out there that will tell you using a pump is a bad idea… I say ignore them, if nothing else the pump gives you piece of mind that well there is something there. Anyway so we pumped and fed because when you want to establish a milk supply sometimes a little bit of extra help is needed. So we established it, I got over the weirdness factor, Mikey started to gain weight and we stopped using the pump because we didn’t need it.

Then there was the next roadblock- eating every 90 minutes around the clock. Since the 90 minute clock started when he started eating, and we were new at this thing and really slow that meant that I slept about 45 minutes at a time, assuming that I went to sleep immediately after feeding him, which invariably did not happen because sometimes you have to eat, use the bathroom, brush your teeth, have a 12 second conversation with an adult, or think about something other than nursing. Slowly ever so slowly the time between “feedings” (I hate that term, it makes him sound like a little animal, and me, well I hate it), now we are at a 2.5-3 hour time between feedings. The stretch at night is getting longer, we are getting faster, and to be honest I have learned to live with getting woken up during the night.

And then finally the last few roadblocks fall into one umbrella category (or bucket if you will)- supply. It seems that everyone I talk to has had issues with supply. I have heard the horror stories of women who’s milk just “dried” up, at 6 weeks, 8 weeks, 12 weeks, 6 months, 9 months, etc. I was really worried about this, no scratch that, I am still really worried about this. Twice I thought this was happening, once after I had been sick and taken some cold medicine and once just this week after returning from vacation where our eating schedule (well really all schedules) were off. Both times it was heartbreaking, really awful. While there are aspects of this I don’t love (nursing bras for one), I want to be the one that decides it is done, I don’t want timing, schedules, or cold medicine to influence it. Both times we have aggressively attacked the problem- we nursed more often use the pump, payed close attention to diet, monitored the number of diapers Mikey goes through, and prayed like crazy. So far we have been lucky, I hope I am not jinxing it by writing this. While I might have felt there was a problem the diapers didn’t decrease, Mikey didn’t cry because he was starving (because he was getting food even if I was paranoid), and eventually things worked out okay. Now as he starts to sleep longer at night (last night from 8-2 can you believe it!) I am nervous again, will this change affect supply, will we be able to keep at this? Hopefully we can continue this adventure for another 9-10 months.

Despite our minor challenges this has been a good experience. It is true what they say that breastfeeding helps mothers and babies bond. There is something about getting your tired body out of bed to feed the crying monster when what you really want to do is tell your husband (who is blissfully unaware that the baby is crying) to solve the problem that creates a bond… let’s call it selfless love- okay let’s not because obviously I wasn’t so selfless when I was secretly thinking that Brian should have to be the one to feed him when after all I did carry the baby for 9 months. But there is something about this experience that creates a bond.

This experience has led to several questions though, first, how can anyone do this for multiple years (with the same child). When we were at the airport a lady came up to me after I was done nursing and said that she nursed her daughter until she was 4- talk about dedication… I wont be doing that. At some point, unfortunately for him, Mikey will have to transition to cows milk, juice, water, and did I mention solid foods. It isn’t that I don’t love him, it’s just that breastfeeding would have served its’ purpose and I will take care of him in other ways. Second question, why in the world do people think that breastfeeding is easier than bottle feeding? Maybe it actually is, my bottle feeding experience is really limited so I don’t know. I do know that finding place to feed the baby while on vacation was tough. Feeding him under the “hooter hider” was often tough too. I know breastfeeding is “natural”, and I could have just sat down and fed him without a cover but I wouldn’t have been comfortable with that. Even without the added issue of privacy/modesty, there was still the issue of an actual place to feed him. During out car trip from CA to UT, I fed him in the van (yes he was out of his seat), this worked, it wasn’t ideal but it worked and he got full, but once we left the comfortable confines of the car things got tough… where to feed him on campus, in a restaurant, in a store, while the oil was being changed in the car etc… things were not quite as simple as at home. The good news is that we aren’t going anywhere for awhile (well not great news because we wish we were going to Utah to visit all of you), it is easier to feed him at home, we don’t have to worry about covers, and did I mention we have a boppy (lifesaver).

Stay tuned for more updates on our adventure, for now things are working, Mikey is getting chubby!