"More holiness give me, More strivings within, More patience in suff’ring... More purpose in prayer"

*As I use this blog as a personal journal, I feel it is appropriate to include a post about my testimony. This is a long post and focused on my personal experiences and testimony

As a lifelong member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (“Mormon”) I have heard about prayer my whole life. I learned to pray at home, prayed in primary, learned songs about prayer at church, participated in family prayer, and understood that prayer was the way that we as mortals could communicate with our Father in Heaven. But it wasn’t until I was older that I really gained a testimony of the power of prayer. As we approach Michael’s 1^st birthday I have been taking some time to reflect on my experiences over the past year. While many of the experiences have been focused on learning the practical skills necessary to care for a baby, there have been other experiences that have led me to examine my own faith and beliefs, and have given me the opportunity to strengthen my testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ, and more specifically my testimony of prayer.

As a child, when we discussed prayer in church I always imagined it as a physical conversation between a father and his child. I have a great dad, and the image I had of my Heavenly Father was a father with the patience and intense love for his children that my dad had, but more... hard to explain.

 As a teenager, this idea of a father/daughter conversation was something that I really appreciated, when I had rough times I would pray and know that like my dad, my Heavenly Father would listen and provide comfort in times of need. It also comforted me, that like my dad, my Heavenly Father often knew how I was feeling and what I needed before I asked for it, and that by asking I was allowing them the opportunity to help and bless me. This testimony of prayer was one of the things that sustained and boosted testimony through my teens.

As I entered college my testimony increased. Going to BYU wasn’t a decision I made lightly, despite what it may have seemed at the time. The year before I went to college I prayed daily to know where I should apply, where I should go, and what I should study. As I went through the application process I never felt good about going to BYU, I never had the confirmation that I felt I needed to go there. So I planned to go to school in California. I had a major picked, a university selected, financial aid, and a roommate, and then the letter came from BYU. When it came I still didn’t feel that Provo was the place for me, but I continued to pray, at this point pleading to know where I should go (this was late March). My parents decided that a trip to Provo was what I needed so we packed up the car and headed out. I know this will sound cheesy and even unbelievable, but that first time as we stepped onto campus I knew that BYU was where I was meant to go. I remember standing on the sidewalk in front of the ASB looking out towards the HFAC and library and having a feeling of peace and belonging and a strong feeling that this is where I was meant to be, and I remember thinking that my prayers had been answered, think of it as a “this is the place” moment.

Throughout my experience at BYU there were many times when I prayed to know what to do with my life, if I should marry the irritating RM from Brigham city, and what in the heck I should study. As those pieces began to fall into place and we left Provo, I was continually grateful that I had the opportunity to seek guidance and direction from someone who could see the big picture and who would only lead me in the right direction.

When I found out that I was pregnant with Michael I knew that I needed to strengthen my testimony, specifically my testimony of prayer. As my pregnancy progressed, I was again reminded what a blessing prayer is in our lives. I prayed daily (well more than that), that Michael would be healthy, I am a bit of a paranoid person, but beyond that before Michael, I had been pregnant once and miscarried fairly early on. I prayed for peace with the outcome of the pregnancy and for ability to accept Heavenly Father’s will for this sweet little baby. Time and time again, I felt nothing but peace, and gratitude that my Heavenly Father would remember me even in my times of paranoia. I also prayed that I would know and love this little baby before he was born, and that I would remember that while he was my child, he was also a child of God.  As I was in labor with Michael I remember silently praying that things would go well, that he would be healthy, and that I would have the strength to continue (it was a long long labor), and that I would know and love him when I finally met him. Well, all was well, and by the end of the experience my testimony of prayer had increased 10 fold. When Michael was born, I was grateful that he was healthy, but also grateful, that I felt like I knew him when I met him. I cant say I immediately felt like he was mine, but I immediately felt love for him and felt like I was meeting someone I had known for ages instead of just a tiny baby.

As Michael has grown (and boy has he), I have continued to pray daily for guidance on how raise, guide, and teach him, and to remember what a great blessing it is for me to be his mother. I feel like the past years and faith promoting experiences have been so that when given the opportunity I would have the ability to teach another (Michael) the gospel. Raising Michael (yes even in this short time) has given me the opportunity to pray for patience, understanding, and guidance. But more than anything, having Michael has taught me about the great love that Heavenly Father has for His children. As I have prayed to remember daily that his is a child of God, and that my time with him is a privilege, I have gained insight as how to raise him and have had the ability to see what great potential he has. If I as a mortal can feel so much love for my sweet little son, I can only imagine how much our Heavenly Father loves us as His children. Having Michael has also taught me how much Heavenly Father wants us to ask Him for help. As Michael’s communication skills have started to develop I have been so happy when he has been able to ask me for what he needs, our Heavenly Father feels the same way, He wants us to communicate with him, and prayer is how we are able to do that. In addition to teaching me more about prayer, having Michael has taught me about the Atonement. Now I cannot imagine life without my son, I cannot imagine giving him up, or knowingly allow him to be hurt or suffer, I could not fathom a parent’s love until I was one, but Heavenly Father allowed his son to suffer tremendous pain and be sacrificed so that we could be saved. This truly is the best gift we have been given, how wonderful this gift is! 

So on this lovely Sunday evening, this is my testimony: I know that Heavenly Father lives, loves us, and is mindful of His children and their needs. I know He listens to our prayers, even if we are praying not to go crazy because there are smashed blueberries on the floor… again, and I know He answers prayers, even if the answer isn’t what we were hoping for or on our timetable. I know that Jesus Christ is our Savior, and through the Atonement we can repent and return to live with our Heavenly Father again. I know that Joseph Smith restored the gospel to the earth and I know that the Book of Mormon is true and was written for us! I know that as we strive to live the teachings of the gospel we can lead happy purpose driven lives and return to to live with our Heavenly Father again.